France
, discarding the unnecessary red and blue thirds. The French tried to reject the idea, but gave up]] France is an awful communistAnd liberal, and Godless country - they hated the Bush Administration and don't have the balls to kill people in wars. They also didn't believe Tony Blair when he said there were evil weapons in Iraq - and for that Bush installed Sarkozy, so now the place is infested with Muslims like a second coming of plague rats; they should go back to Kenya to tend their livestock. Brussels has had enough. This country is a member of the European Union! France is part of Old Europe The official religion of France is Shariah. Enemies of Stephen Colbert (aka enemies of America and Freedom) have been known to claim that Stephen's last name is French. This is a myth propogated by liberals and terrorists, and is such a dangerous contention that it probably shouldn't even be mentioned here. Beware French Cheese, which is dangerous, unlike American Cheese. In the tradition of changing names of foods like French Fries to Freedom Fries, and French Toast to Freedom Toast, it has been suggested that we change all maps from France, to Freedomland. It is suspected that the idea will be met with little resistance, since the Freedomlanders would simply surrender if pressured. How to Improve France Most experts in the field of Christian Science and Truthiness believe there is one way France can be improved, as seen at right. Early French History in Drapery The entire history of France can be encompassed on one piece of drapery. In fact it was, and they called it "The Bayeux Tapestry" and the Frenchmen in it look pretty gay. French Pastimes Some of the most popular French pastimes include: French Medicine France is world famous for its minimal developments in the fields of medicine and scientists. Whenever they discover something it is quickly turned over to American scientists so that they may see the real use of the discovery. That's mostly because the French are afraid of medicine. They cure their people by using witches and sorcery like the famous witch Joan of Arc. French people are not normal and prefer to take pills up their ass. Not only is it sexual satisfaction but it also is a place bears won't look when tearing the French to pieces. Many french people are known to keep whole life savings up their ass for safe keeping. French Women ]] The French women are well known for their resemblance to bears, due to lack of shaving and being naked the other 34% of the time. Many scientists attribute the creation of the unholiest and the assholiest race, the French-Canadians, to this fact. War The French aren't good at it. They've never had anyone good at it, except maybe Napolean, Joan of Arc, La Hire, Bertrand du Guesclin, Turenne, the Great Conde, William of Normandy, Henry IV, Davout, Soult, Massena, Suchet, Foch, Montcalm, Francois-Henry de Montmorency, Nicolas Catinat, Vauban, Moreau, Gaston de Foix, Leclerc, Tassigny, Latouche Treville, Suffren, Joffre, d'Esperey, and Charles of Anjou, among others. That's nothing. The French army only fights until the other side fights back or threatens to. In World War I, they were such wussies they had Russia as their first choice for an ally. That's a bit desperate. Then they got the Brits as an ally, and they sucked slightly less. However, they still got beat by the Germans when they got just 40 miles from Paris. That's...pretty sad. The only reason they didn't lose and that half of Europe isn't ruled by Germany is that the Germans were to busy staring at the French women (they like that sort of thing), they didn't realize they could have won the war right there. Still, the French had to fake a letter saying that the Germans were trying to attack America. It started out as an April Fools' joke, but we went a long with it (we were still hungover from Christmas, beer was reeeeeely alcoholic back then). So, we decided to save the Allies. And we did. In World War II, they saw their own reflection and surrendered to it which allowed the Nazis to occupy them which was great because they were afraid that America would bring freedom to France. They promised to lead the peace keeping coalition in Lebanon, but realized that there might be fighting there and decided to only send 2000 troops, which is good because the only difference between 2000 French soldiers is 2000 fewer prisoners. The only victory for the French military was World War I. Some have also alleged that the French triumphed in conquering England in 1066, the First Crusade, the Bouvines War, the Saintonge War, the Conquest of Sicily, the invasions of Flanders, the War of Saint-Sardos, the Hundred Years War, the War of the League of Cambrai, the Thirty Years War, the War of Devolution, the Franco-Dutch War, the War of the Reunions, the War of the Quadruple Alliance, the War of the Polish Succession, the War of the Austrian Succession, the War of the First Coalition, the War of the Second Coalition, The War of the Third Coalition, the War of the Fourth Coalition, the War of the Fifth Coalition, the French conquest of Algeria, the Pastry War, the Crimean War, the Franco-Austrian War, the Mandingo Wars, the Sino-French War, the Franco-Dahomey War, the Franco-Siamese War, and the Riff War, among others. The people who allege this stuff are, of course, total morons. Liberal say that France aided America in the Revolutionary War. When it was really William Colbert(Stephen's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather) who sailed all of the ships by himself and effectively won the war for America. The liberals claimed it was French ships, because they thought colbert sounded french, but it was really an attempt to slander the greatest country ever by associating them with the worst. These were also wars where America fought as well. This is the first French rule of war: France helped America to be free, America can do the same. The French military was also rather successful under the leadership of Napoleon (a Corsican, from Corsica, not France). This is the second French rule of war: France is only successful when its leader is not French. The French are synonymous with surrendery and so it is difficult to believe that they have actually won a war. Some historians suggest that there are nations on this planet even surrenderier than the French.The notion is dubious, most of these nations are in Africa which may or may not exist and one of these countries is Canada which is populated by liberals and therefore constituting no major military victory (see Countries that surrendered to France). Rioting Please see the full article: Riot One of the most common and popular pastimes for the French is rioting. Every season the students are revolting. Glenn Beck, America's favorite France-watcher (he watches them, so we won't have to) has uncovered a shocking development in the Winter 2007 riot: the Mooslims are trying to reconquer what they consider to be "their" summer homes. Coincidentally, within days after Mr. Beck made his stunning announcement, guess who releases another video tape in which he warns Europe to leave Afghanistan! What are they doing there anyways!? Karl Rove talked about how Congress forced The Greatest President Ever to invade Iraq before we were ready, which begs the question: Did Congress also pressure Europe to prematurely involve themselves in Iraq? The French Revolution Please see the full article on The French Revolution In the late 18th Century, the French tried to copy America by holding their own Revolution. It was a battle to see who could surrender first, the aristocrats or the peasants. The aristocrats were quickest. However, once the peasants killed all the kings and aristocrats they became confused and began surrendering to each other. They even invented the Guillotine, so that they could slaughter themselves more efficiently. This self-Genocide was actually the most beneficial thing they've even done for the rest of the world. Things the French are Afraid of Countries That Have Surrendered To France When one mentions the word France, the word surrender should automatically spring into one's mind. The French are synonymous with surrendery and so it would be difficult to believe that they have ever won a war, however some historians suggest that there are nations on this planet even surrenderier than the French. Most of these nations are in Africa which may or may not exist and one of these countries is Canada which is populated by liberals and therefore constituting no major military victory. When the French suprise us From time to time, the French think with their guts. Too bad there isn't a French phrase for "I'm sorry." Anyhow, here are a few of those rare exceptions: * Muslims told to shove it * $cientology told to shove it See Also * French * Surrendery * French-Canadian * Acadian * Deporty * Old Europe * Bastille Day * French Seduction Footnotes Tubes L'External * Suggested Improvements for France *France surrenders to Al Qaeda *Le French Suxxxor *French Tranny escapes from Guantanamo Prison *France's socialized medicine kills babies *Egypt declares war on France. France surrenders *The French are still racists! *France fighting off mooslim menace *France goes gay for cats *France celebrates the only time they won anything *France refuses to surrender to Gypsies *Barbaric France demands the end of the American Le Burger *France continues to protect their Nazi Masters *Mooslims fail to take over France! *France finds solution to the 'fureigners' problem *France to forgive the joos *France the leading cause of brain injury *Even the French are depressed that they are French *France breaks alliance with mooslims *France turns fire stations into secret mosques, could America be next? *American hating socialist French President appoints sexual organ as Arab diplomat